#4 Can I Trust You?
“Can I trust you?” is a short but powerful question. It is a question that will make or break a relationship. Children wonder if they can trust adults especially their caregivers; parents, foster parents and adoptive parents. Caregivers wonder if they can trust the children. Trust is central to our spouses, co-workers and friends, all relationships rotate around trust.
To be securely attached with a healthy relationship to another person, trust is required. Without trust, insecure attachment weakens every relationship. Research documented by Dr. Karen Purvis and Dr. David Cross, authors of The Connected Child, tells us that 50 years ago 70% of society was securely attached to their caregiver. That same research shows that in this day only 50% of society is securely attached.
My husband and I have been foster/adoptive parents for 37 years. We are currently adopting our 13th child, he is 18 yo. Our oldest child is 40 yo and our youngest child is 14 yo. In our experience it has become evident that a much higher percentage of the children and the adults represented in our lives have an insecure attachment style. I even discovered that my passion to help traumatized children started from my own insecure attachment. The good news is that secure attachment can not only be developed in children but earned by adults.
When foster children come into our lives and they are often: oppositional, “No I won’t do it and you can’t make me.” disrespectful, “F— you, B—, you are not my boss.” and sometimes destructive… I can’t even count how many holes have required sheet rock repair at our house. We have learned not to take it personal. And believe me, being called a F’ing B 30 times a day is difficult to not take personal! Instead we have had to learn how to understand these children.
What are they trying to say? What are they really feeling?
Trust is developed when in early childhood each of the child’s needs is met consistently and appropriately. Things that prevent the development of trust are; prenatal drug exposure, absence of prenatal care, prematurity, birth complications, medical and or emotional trauma, abuse, neglect, multiple changes of care givers and being raised by caregivers who are present in body but not always present emotionally.
Children who do not experience the above risk factors can naturally learn to trust their caregivers and know their world is a safe place. They have a sense of their own preciousness. They believe they can be effective in the world. They can effectively communicate their needs, knowing that their caregiver understands their feelings. They grow up to be adults who can have healthy long lasting relationships.
For a caregiver to help a child develop trust and a secure attachment the caregiver must first consider their own attachment style. We can’t take a child somewhere emotionally if we have not been there ourselves. If the caregiver has insecure attachment they can earn secure attachment and better care for children. Perhaps their insecure attachment is only because their babysitter changed too often or mom was too tired after work to connect emotionally or they never felt their parents understood them. Whether caused by a severe risk factor or constant smaller incidents those with insecure attachment can earn secure attachment. To do that, we need to acknowledge our loss and pain with honest truth, and then let go with forgiveness and humor. But that is a subject for another blog session
HOPE INC, Inc.’s Family Connections program, which utilizes Dr. Karen Purvis’ and Dr. David Cross’ Trust Based Relational Intervention is about helping caregivers understand their own attachment style as well as understand why their child behaves the way he/she does so they can help their child learn to trust. We cannot change our child’s behaviors. We can help our children change the way they think so they then can change their own behaviors.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of the world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Romans 12:2 NLT
In my previous blogs I have been very open about the challenges we have faced recently. We moved to the Big Island and by the world’s economy it appears to have been the wrong thing to do. Although God’s plan for us here has been different than the plan we came with, wonderful things have occurred. Our being here enabled us to place a four year old foster boy in his forever adoptive family. Prior to HOPE INC, Inc.’s involvement it sounds like this little guy had been moved through five homes, each with different caregivers in his short life. Can he trust? No, he can’t. How long will it take? Only the Lord knows. Consistent, ongoing appropriate parenting will be necessary for him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he won’t be moved again. Interestingly enough he recently told his new mommy that he “loves his sister and the roof”. We can only assume that he, in his innocent way, is trying to communicate that he hopes that this roof will be his forever home. His mommy has yet to hear him express affection to her but she patiently does all there is to do to help him learn to trust. She is wonderful not to let his avoidance hurt her while she waits for his embrace. This little one will not stand alone is life. He will eventually realize that he can trust!
Category: Blog of HOPE
